Forgiveness

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”                                     

―Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometime back a senior colleague of mineproudly showed a “sorry” card students had given him. The card itself had on it printed very effectual words which expressed an admission of error accompanied by an expression of regret. In addition they have inscribed something more apologetic. Of course, it was a cordial apology. When I read those words I was happy that the students were ready to admit that they are wrong. How matured these children were. Most of us like to be the recipients of a heartfelt apology rather than the givers. When it comes to the giving of an apology, it is different. First of all, who likes to admit he or she is wrong? So I admired these youngsters who accepted their mistake and sounded too apologetic. I was able to appreciate these students for admitting their slipup and saying, “sorry”. These young minds have understood that saying "sorry" at the right instant and in the right manner is important because it leads to more forgiveness; more good will; greater intimacy; and most importantly less punishment. They have understood that as Lynn Johnston has said, “An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.”

            It's really important to apologize in order to have healthy relationships. Everyone wants and needs to feel safe with the people who are close to them.  Not taking responsibility for wrongdoings makes one seem unsafe or untrustworthy. So to make things right and to show people that you care enough about them people apologize.

           

What about those who wait for apologies- who wait until the person who wronged apologizes before they could forgive him? Such people fall victim to their rage and their wounds while they wait for the “sorry”.  Forgiveness happens within ourselves; it is not an interaction with another.  Forgiveness as it is said somewhere “is a gift to yourself.” Sometimes we forget this and wait for an apology. When we demand an apology, it may be said that we are using others' apologies to obligate them to us.

When looked at from another angle, if we wait for an apology before we could forgive the wrong doer, it is like making the person who hurt us decide whether or when we should recover from the pain he brought us and forgive him.

Apologies are sometimes demanded by those who perceive themselves to be in a position of greater power.  They do so to gain a tacit acknowledgement of the power they have over the other. Apologizing can make some people feel vulnerable, or feel like they are in danger of losing their power and status. Some people find saying they’re sorry humiliating. So when you expect or demand an apology it denotes that you cannot forgive anyone until he is sorry for what he did. Of course it is a good rule in life never to apologize. P. G. Woodehouse in one of his stories, “The Man Upstairs” says, “The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”

If a person who has wronged us wants to reestablish the relationship, he must come in sorrow and repentance.  We cannot expect to be forgiven without being sorry for the wrong we did.  But we should not demand sorrow for the wrong someone did to us.  Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. It is wise and humane to forgive without demanding an apology. As Mark Twain has said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”