Forgiveness

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”                                     

―Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometime back a senior colleague of mineproudly showed a “sorry” card students had given him. The card itself had on it printed very effectual words which expressed an admission of error accompanied by an expression of regret. In addition they have inscribed something more apologetic. Of course, it was a cordial apology. When I read those words I was happy that the students were ready to admit that they are wrong. How matured these children were. Most of us like to be the recipients of a heartfelt apology rather than the givers. When it comes to the giving of an apology, it is different. First of all, who likes to admit he or she is wrong? So I admired these youngsters who accepted their mistake and sounded too apologetic. I was able to appreciate these students for admitting their slipup and saying, “sorry”. These young minds have understood that saying "sorry" at the right instant and in the right manner is important because it leads to more forgiveness; more good will; greater intimacy; and most importantly less punishment. They have understood that as Lynn Johnston has said, “An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.”

            It's really important to apologize in order to have healthy relationships. Everyone wants and needs to feel safe with the people who are close to them.  Not taking responsibility for wrongdoings makes one seem unsafe or untrustworthy. So to make things right and to show people that you care enough about them people apologize.

           

What about those who wait for apologies- who wait until the person who wronged apologizes before they could forgive him? Such people fall victim to their rage and their wounds while they wait for the “sorry”.  Forgiveness happens within ourselves; it is not an interaction with another.  Forgiveness as it is said somewhere “is a gift to yourself.” Sometimes we forget this and wait for an apology. When we demand an apology, it may be said that we are using others' apologies to obligate them to us.

When looked at from another angle, if we wait for an apology before we could forgive the wrong doer, it is like making the person who hurt us decide whether or when we should recover from the pain he brought us and forgive him.

Apologies are sometimes demanded by those who perceive themselves to be in a position of greater power.  They do so to gain a tacit acknowledgement of the power they have over the other. Apologizing can make some people feel vulnerable, or feel like they are in danger of losing their power and status. Some people find saying they’re sorry humiliating. So when you expect or demand an apology it denotes that you cannot forgive anyone until he is sorry for what he did. Of course it is a good rule in life never to apologize. P. G. Woodehouse in one of his stories, “The Man Upstairs” says, “The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”

If a person who has wronged us wants to reestablish the relationship, he must come in sorrow and repentance.  We cannot expect to be forgiven without being sorry for the wrong we did.  But we should not demand sorrow for the wrong someone did to us.  Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. It is wise and humane to forgive without demanding an apology. As Mark Twain has said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

Empathy – the core of earth from which life sprouts…

In an English class where I was teaching words often confused I asked my students to differentiate Sympathy and Empathy. Some said both are same while the others gave me the answer: “feeling for someone is sympathy and feeling with someone is empathy”. I was really convinced in the beginning. I prolonged the discussion for a longer period since I thought what is more important is to inculcate the feeling than teach them the word. I was disappointed when they failed to give examples for empathy and explain it in a situation.

At the end of the discussion I was dawned to the fact that our youngsters very rarely understand the sufferings of others that they are not able to say much on this topic. We feel pity or sorrow for the other person. We most often use phrases like “Oh! I am very sorry” and “If there is anything I can do to help…” Just by saying this or by extending some little help we think that we have done our duty.  We fail to feel how others feel, to see the world as they do. To put it otherwise, we sympathize but do not empathize. The feeling of sympathy emerges from the recognition that another person is suffering. Whereas, the feeling of empathy emerges from where the other person's pain or suffering is felt. 

Walt Whitman, an American poet wrote:

“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.” 

When we see someone in pain and feel that response in our own gut, that’s empathy. When we see someone crying tears of joy at an important reunion and notice ourselves choking up, that’s empathy. When we see someone struggling with a problem and feel an emotional pull to help, that’s empathy.

Mahatma Gandhi said:

“I call him religious who understands the suffering of others.”

A person who understands the sufferings of others can alone become empathetic and extend a helping hand. Empathy is the most important “pro-social” behavior which build close relationships and development of strong communities. People higher in empathy are more likely to help others in need.

 I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the steelworker who's been laid off, the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town. When you think like this, when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathise with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers; it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help. – Barak Obama.

As the famous British poet P. B. Shelley puts it:

 A man, to be greatly good, must imagine intensely and comprehensively; he must put himself in the place of another and of many others; the pains and pleasure of his species must become his own.

An empathic person can be compassionate and helpful and being empathic means simply that you are able to relate to how other people are feeling.

Retirement, a longer coffee break...

It is the end of term, not a usual one.  A time of mixed emotions

.

Our best wishes go with you…

May you have days full of laughter and happiness…

And may you have a lifetime full of love and dreams achieved – we will remember you.

I wrote this on five beautiful cards that I bought to be given to my senior, or rather “Super” senior teachers who are laying down office this year. A set of teachers who were committed to their jobs on a daily basis – sometimes even when the going got tough.

I wanted to write about the peals of laughter in the department, a cup of coffee before the day starts, in the middle of the day and at the end of the day, the copier which could never be free of paper jams, the notes of appreciation, words of encouragement, the throwing of temper tantrums, the good strong hug that could substitute thousand meaningful words….The list grew and the card was too small for it. And others may say, “These are trivial matters’.

 I meditated on what else to write…

A secure, comfortable retirement is every committed worker's dream. The day has come. You entered a profession dedicated to assisting young people achieve their potential, to revealing or finding their best selves. You have not just fulfilled your duty but have changed the lives of several youngsters. Despite the altered outward appearance, you seem young. The secret am sure is your ability to change people’s lives, sharing the excitement of learning with students and colleagues alike…..

Oh! Again its getting long and the poor small card cannot hold all these…

I read Lamb’s THE SUPERANNUATED MAN and read some farewell speeches for tips. All these prolonged the matter I wanted to pen down.

Then came M.S. Dhoni for my help. He said in an interview,

“I play for the enjoyment of the game and the day I decide to go, I will pack my bags and happily go away."

You taught for the enjoyment of teaching and so you can end when you decide to stop and a teacher who is always a teacher and learner can never do that. Official retirement is just an age reminder.

A good teacher is a doctor who heals ignorance and a good artist who inspires creativity.

And there can never be an end for these responsibilities…Happy teaching, of course teaching will be more happier because henceforth you will allege your time table not someone else in the department..

“If I were you, I’d…” this is a sentence many of us would hate to listen. To be corrected means we are wrong. Who likes to be wrong or rather likes other person to point at your mistake. None.

It is said, “to err is human; to forgive is divine’. Correspondingly, the ability to admit your mistake and take correction humbly is a huge virtue. Again how many of us possess such a quality?

Generally, advice is given by those who consider themselves as “error-free”. And such ‘supposed to be’ flaw less people advise those whom they assume as incorrect. Here lies the problem. You don’t consider yourself wrong and naturally you don’t want people to correct you or advise.

Advice, of course, needs to be given when it is asked for. We all have problems and when we do, many of us go to our friends and family for advice. It is a great honour to be asked for advice. It is also a big responsibility. Good advice can help people make sound choices, sometimes, find the correct path in life. So the person who gives advice should be the best person on earth. Who is ‘the best’ person? There is no tool to measure it.

A bad advice can have disastrous consequences. One of my friends said,

The best advice that one can give someone is simply to follow their heart. The so called advice by elders cannot always be right as they too have "more experience" of being wrong. It's good to refrain from giving advice and messing with people's life and their feelings!

Another problem with these advice suppliers is they don’t apply what they supply. If you advise one thing but do the opposite, your advice will be seen as spurious, insincere and deceitful.

Irrespective of whether you are perfect or not; knowledgeable or not; the most important point you should understand when people approach you for advice is that the person who is soliciting advice actually just wants you to listen and be a good companion who could understand, empathise, and be compassionate. Perhaps, he will have a better solution to his problems. What is lacking in him is proper thinking. Asking for advice is a form of thinking out loud.

So next time when someone approaches you for advice don't assume that he wants your advice. G. K. Chesterton has said:

“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.”

ஆசிரியர் பதவி நேர்காணலுக்கு சென்று சோகமாய்த்திரும்பிய என் பழைய மாணவர் ஒருவரின் கதை கேட்டு எழுதியது...

கனவா? காசா? (காசு, பணம், துட்டு, மனி..மனி...)

“கனவு காண்”- வாசகம் சுவாசமானது.

கனவு  காண தூக்கம் தவிர்த்தேன்  

கனவு பலிக்க தூக்கம் துறந்தேன்.

“நிலவைக்குறிவை நட்சத்திரம் கிட்டும்”

இதையும் செய்தேன்.

நிலவு கிடைக்கவில்லை.

நட்சத்திரம்  தட்டும்போல் இருந்தது --

பேராசிரியர்தான்  ஆகவேண்டும்…

பரவாயில்லை

பள்ளி ஆசிரியர் தேர்வுக்கு வந்தேன்…

கேள்வியோடு "இன்னொன்றும்" கேட்டார்கள்...

நட்சத்திரமும் நழுவிப்போனது !

கனவுச்சிறகுகள் கருக கண் விழித்தெழுந்தேன்...

அய்யய்யோ !!!

கனவு காண செலவிட்ட நேரத்தில்

கொஞ்சம் காசும் சேர்த்திருக்கலாமோ !

Smile

"every day is the best day in the year"...Happy New Year

One of my friends said, “Hey, come on! This is not the first New Year, nor is it the last! Then why such grand plans to celebrate it?” 

I started contemplating… “Is there any good reason for a celebration during the birth of a new year?”

I thought my friend was not right. A New Year is not just another day but it symbolizes the beginning of a better tomorrow. So it has to be celebrated. Every one’s heart is filled with joy and welcoming the New Year becomes an exciting time.  One gets to experience the vibrant colours and joyful atmosphere filled with parties, prayers and social feasts. There is nothing wrong in trying to escalate our happiness with good music, dance, lighting, and good food.

At the same time we should be aware of something else too. The most important thought that comes to us at the end of a year is “another year has gone”. This thought automatically makes us realize the value of time and welcome the new year with high anticipation and expectations for the months to come. I have read that in Ecuador, people make dummies, stuffed with straw, to represent the events of the past year. These "ano viejo" effigies are burnt at midnight, thus symbolically getting rid of the past.

But let us not completely get rid of the past. The old give way to the young. New thoughts sprout from fertile ground. While the New Year summons us with many promises, let us not forget to give the old year its due. Let us learn from past slip-ups and carry the lessons of time. It’s a time of new beginning, a time of change. It’s a time which gives you a better understanding of the value of time.

“The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.” 
― Arnold Bennett

Let us celebrate the beginning of another New Year in our life with great joy. As Ralph Waldo Emerson has said, "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year". 

WISH U ALL A VERY HAPPY 2017!